Odd Days
Most of my posts are usually showing the kids and telling of our outings and special events. I consistently show the happy times and not always the difficult days when there is a tantrum or the days that Brad or I (or both of us) are mentally exhausted from timeouts, yelling, crying and the regular days of parenting. I am going to be a little more expressive with my blog. I feel that there are many other aspects of our lives that I am not documenting on here, yet some days they overwhelm my thoughts.
With that said I would like to explore one topic in particular that has been on my mind recently. Most of you know that my father passed away in November. This has been an interesting experience to work through to say the least. There have been many emotions that have flooded my mind on any given day. Anger, sadness, frustration, the "now what" feeling and many more. I was not close to my father the last 15-16 years of my life (which really is half of my life), so that only adds to the difficulty of the situation.
He was sick from alcoholism. It took over him, his life, and as a result affected the lives of everyone close to him. But none the less, there is grieving to be done. Everyone says there is "no right or wrong way" to grieve so here I go. If you don't care to share in this process with me, then don't read my posts. You are welcome to skip to the ones about the kids. I am not seeking affirmation in these posts, just using it to give my mind some peace. Comments are not needed unless you feel compelled to share thoughts or feelings of your own.
My father and I had a tumultuous relationship to say the least. When I was younger (meaning before the age of 13) there were many good times. He was not sick then. Our relationship was as many normal father-daughter relationships would be. After my parents' divorce, and even a few years leading up to their divorce things started turning. We had 13-14 good years. I have struggled with recently the "good times." I cannot get my mind to remember as many of those times as I would like. There have been so many more hard times filled with anger, sadness and tear that have been more recent that I find those ones flooding into my brain. I do however want to try and remember some good times and I hope they will come to me over time as I continue to let go of any anger or frustration that is left in my mind. I thought that I had grieved the guy that was my dad a long time ago, but yet there is still just a finality to it all that lingers in my mind some days. I also still half expect to go over to my grandmother's house and see him coming out of their garage (from just getting a drink).
There are so many thoughts of how to grieve for someone that you once loved and care so much about, yet turned into a shell of the person you knew and were left with. Tears now fill my eyes as I sit here and type. Still so many conflicting thoughts race through my mind. He has visited me in a couple of my dreams recently. I have thought about meaning for those. They are so vivid in my mind it is as if I can draw out every scene. And the one thing I can state at this moment is that I do not have any regrets with him. I feel as though the months and years to come with be filled with me processing and excepting the situation for what it was- a seemingly loving relationship that turned into a heartache for me.
It was a long challenging road, our relationship, with many ups and downs. I have a feeling the grieving process is going to be similar. Life does continue on and I am thankful that I have my children and family to be there as support. I just find my self having odd days that thoughts about him enter my mind- conversations we had, things we did, the results of which have all effected my life and who I am today. Today I remember him teaching me how to ride a horse, holding my bike as I first learned to ride without training wheels, and the day that I almost was smashed by 20 or so roof trusses that my sister and I were playing on (they missed my by about 6 inches). There are also a few difficult conversations that come to mind.
So today I share that I am having some good thoughts and some difficult thoughts about my father. That my mind races at times and I have to tell it to be quiet, or the kids tell it to be quiet as they holler for something they need :). Also, that these odd days are not always easy and I may not always have a smiley picture to show of a fun time had, some days it will just have to be my thoughts that run the blog.
Here are a couple pics from long ago of me and my dad:
"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." - Kenji Miyazawa
With that said I would like to explore one topic in particular that has been on my mind recently. Most of you know that my father passed away in November. This has been an interesting experience to work through to say the least. There have been many emotions that have flooded my mind on any given day. Anger, sadness, frustration, the "now what" feeling and many more. I was not close to my father the last 15-16 years of my life (which really is half of my life), so that only adds to the difficulty of the situation.
He was sick from alcoholism. It took over him, his life, and as a result affected the lives of everyone close to him. But none the less, there is grieving to be done. Everyone says there is "no right or wrong way" to grieve so here I go. If you don't care to share in this process with me, then don't read my posts. You are welcome to skip to the ones about the kids. I am not seeking affirmation in these posts, just using it to give my mind some peace. Comments are not needed unless you feel compelled to share thoughts or feelings of your own.
My father and I had a tumultuous relationship to say the least. When I was younger (meaning before the age of 13) there were many good times. He was not sick then. Our relationship was as many normal father-daughter relationships would be. After my parents' divorce, and even a few years leading up to their divorce things started turning. We had 13-14 good years. I have struggled with recently the "good times." I cannot get my mind to remember as many of those times as I would like. There have been so many more hard times filled with anger, sadness and tear that have been more recent that I find those ones flooding into my brain. I do however want to try and remember some good times and I hope they will come to me over time as I continue to let go of any anger or frustration that is left in my mind. I thought that I had grieved the guy that was my dad a long time ago, but yet there is still just a finality to it all that lingers in my mind some days. I also still half expect to go over to my grandmother's house and see him coming out of their garage (from just getting a drink).
There are so many thoughts of how to grieve for someone that you once loved and care so much about, yet turned into a shell of the person you knew and were left with. Tears now fill my eyes as I sit here and type. Still so many conflicting thoughts race through my mind. He has visited me in a couple of my dreams recently. I have thought about meaning for those. They are so vivid in my mind it is as if I can draw out every scene. And the one thing I can state at this moment is that I do not have any regrets with him. I feel as though the months and years to come with be filled with me processing and excepting the situation for what it was- a seemingly loving relationship that turned into a heartache for me.
It was a long challenging road, our relationship, with many ups and downs. I have a feeling the grieving process is going to be similar. Life does continue on and I am thankful that I have my children and family to be there as support. I just find my self having odd days that thoughts about him enter my mind- conversations we had, things we did, the results of which have all effected my life and who I am today. Today I remember him teaching me how to ride a horse, holding my bike as I first learned to ride without training wheels, and the day that I almost was smashed by 20 or so roof trusses that my sister and I were playing on (they missed my by about 6 inches). There are also a few difficult conversations that come to mind.
So today I share that I am having some good thoughts and some difficult thoughts about my father. That my mind races at times and I have to tell it to be quiet, or the kids tell it to be quiet as they holler for something they need :). Also, that these odd days are not always easy and I may not always have a smiley picture to show of a fun time had, some days it will just have to be my thoughts that run the blog.
Here are a couple pics from long ago of me and my dad:
"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." - Kenji Miyazawa
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